“If”
By Alex Kor
July 7, 2019

As I fly back to the United States after losing my mother on July 4, I am flooded with a million emotions. Although I should probably be sleeping and getting rest, the pain in my heart will not allow such leisure. There is no remedy that will suffice. I would think that there would be a finite supply of tears, but the dam is broken. I should be (and am) grateful for having both of my parents for 58 plus years, but the pain is constant. In the last few years, I have been amazed how well a majority of my friends have handled their losses. But, after the events of July 4, 2019, I must now battle this demon. Therefore, with a pen in hand and a day of travel ahead, I feel obligated to allow my emotions to paint this page.

It is my belief that whether you are 8 years old, 18 years old or 58 years old, having a loving mother is important. And, I had a loving mother. If I knew that on the morning of July 4th, my mother would be gone, I would have told her many things. If I had one more chance to talk to my mom, I would tell her that she was a great mother. If I could I see my mom one more time, I would tell her that I love her with all of my heart. If I could spend one more day with her, I would tell her I am still trying to have a family (but luck has been an issue). If I had one more meal with my mom, she would know that I (and all involved parties) did everything we could to save her on 7/4/2019. If I had one more minute with my mom, I would give her one more kiss and a long hug.

But, I realize that these wishes are nothing more than an impossible dream. How do I channel my pain that this loss has produced? Is it possible to utilize the energy from these unfulfilled desires into positive action? Well, I hope so. That is, at some point, I will indeed try to continue my mother’s life work. There is definitely unfinished business. Like my mother, I want my life to count for something. Moreover, from her perch in heaven, as she eats a few more McNuggets while chatting with my aunt, Miriam, she will say:

“… Hi Sweetie. You are doing great. I love you, too...”